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The Last Bastion of Manhood has Fallen…

Fashion-inspired duct tape

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a bit of a “Toy Whisperer.” I mean, if I had a superpower it would be knowing the perfect toy for  each kid.

Birthdays, holidays, elementary school graduations – I nail it every time, for both boys and girls.

For my daughters, I’ve well versed in the X-chromosome language of Polly Pockets, Squinkies and Orbeez.

It’s a gift, actually.

Yet it can also be a heavy burden. Periodically, I’ll sneak a traditionally boyish toy into the girl’s playtime arsenal – Lincoln Logs, building Legos, Hot Wheels. It’s my way of creating balance and harmony within their toydom universe.

Unfortunately, I sense a disturbance in this stasis.

Apparently duct tape flowers are the rage...

It seems the makers of Duct Tape have surrendered one of the most enduring strongholds of masculinity to arts & craft time by introducing an entire line of fashion-pattern tape [see photo insert above].

It’s a genius idea from a marketing perspective but it makes my inner caveman want to cry.

[NOTE: When I say "cry," I don't mean as if I was watching the movie The Notebook or anything, but more like the native American Iron Eyes Cody from the pollution PSAs of the 1970s - I want to cry that way].

Honestly, I’m not very handy. I have three tools in my tool box – a screw, a hammer (I think that’s what it’s called) and a silver roll of duct tape. By far, duct tape is my preferred tool of choice regardless of the job.

I’m not alone.

It’s been used to literally set bones on the battle field for our soldiers;  it’s patched white water rafts while traversing class 5 rapids; it’s even been used on the Space Shuttle! Those are elemental, manly-type endeavors akin to discovering fire, cancer-causing-charcoal grilling and illegal old-school spiky yard Jarts.

...as is uncomfortable-looking duct tape footwear!

For me Duct Tape represents more than a silvery circle of infinity as an ultra-sticky solution to an infinite array of problems – it’s part of the societal foundation.

In fact, modern American society may very well be held together by duct tape – I know it’s not the politicians.

Alas, this binding loop of silver stuckery has been relegated to flower petals, quasi-slippers [see photos] and art bins across this great land.

If only duct tape could fix my cracking heart (sigh).

Question: What’s the craziest way you’ve used duct tape?


  • http://undistractedchristian.com/ Tyler Hess

    We still have WD-40 don’t we?

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Indeed! So there may well be a silver lining to the devolution of the silvery ultra-tape – well played.

  • Kim Constantino

    Husband, you had me laughing at this one for sure!! Very funny! and so, so true!

  • http://twitter.com/zabooey Bruce Welton

    Oh no- say it ain’t so!

    Oh well. I guess, despite this change in culture, we’ll all have continue to stick together.

    Sorry. I couldn’t help that.

    Enjoyable post, Tor. And I remember that crying native American.

  • http://www.theoddcoupleblog.com/ shawn

    in our first apartment I think it would of fallen apart if it wouldn’t of been for duct tape. It is now a running joke at our house that if all else fails get the duct tape. Now it can be in pretty designs!

  • Michelle Woodman

    Red Green of The Red Green Show has some fantastic ways to use duct tape. I think he used some one time to build a BBQ using old bathtubs (aka a bath-e-que).

    • http://twitter.com/Aachren Panda

      Red Green!
      My favorite thing he made was the Airstream trailer out of two john boats, appliance doors and duct tape.

  • http://www.kellycombs.com/ Kelly Combs

    My daughters LOVE duct tape! We have zebra printed, tie-dyed, cheetah, purple. We have duct tape wallets, pen covers, and yes flowers. I think the markets of duct tape are BRILLANT as teen girls are the power buyers of the world. I know, because I have 2 daughters.

    Really neat post, Tor. And yes, we have done the whole Polly Pocket, Squinkie, and don’t forget My Little Pony.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Thanks Kelly, I’m honored to have you stop by and thoroughly enjoy your writing!

  • http://deuceology.wordpress.com Larry Carter

    I used it to pick the lint off my pants. I’ve used it to temporarily stop a leak.

  • http://thatsajennstory.com/ Jennwith2ns

    Wallets! Don’t forget wallets! The kids at the camp I direct–boys AND girls–LOOOOOVVVVEEEE making duct tape wallets. I use one daily.

  • http://www.adjuvancy.com/wordpress Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.

    Stay your overburdened heart, Tor. You can still buy the silver version- leave the rest for someone else :-0

  • Donovan

    We have a friend on Columbus, Ohio who only repairs her Bible with Pink duct tape. So, when I saw this in the store I sent a roll to her. I do not think that MANkind suffered at all for it.

    She did not comment whether or not there was spiritual degradation with the silver version, but some questions you just do not ask.

  • http://jeremystatton.com/ Jeremy Statton

    Ha. My 12 year old son is convinced that all of the world problems can be solved with duct tape. he collects it. If I show him these pictures, any sense of hope that his young adolescent heart may carry for the human race will likely crumble.

  • http://www.ramblingbarba.com Ken Hagerman

    My dad is a HVAC guy so we always had plenty of the stuff. I have patched cuts till I could get stitches, made a cup to drink out of and used it as knee pads to crawl under a house with tons of debris. I watched a guy at a buy-here-pay-here car lot bridge a dent and paint over it to hide it.
    I guess now I can make a dress or something…