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Open Letter to the Makers of Elf on the Shelf

Photo Credit: Creative Commons – D’Other_Pix

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for creating the Elf on the Shelf franchise of books, cookies, plush dolls, DVDs…etc. which enable parents such as my wife and me the privilege of paying $29.95 to deceive our children.

The Story of the Elf

As you well know, your fabricated story of the Elf asserts that he/she appears in the child’s home between Thanksgiving and Christmas as a behavioral scout for Saint Nick, to keep an eagle eye on the children for the “naughty and nice” list.

The Elf is supposed to change surveillance perches within the home on a daily basis to facilitate the rouse over impressible children, coupled with the admonition that the kids can NEVER touch the Elf – or the Elf will never return.

This snowflake-thin scenario is tough enough to purport on the blossoming minds of our kids without your brazen marketing efforts to the contrary.

Which brings me to the purpose of this letter.

Tougher to Lie to My Kids

While companies have a right to make a profit, your organization is directly undermining the very foundation of the hard-fought lies that loving parents like us strive and connive to maintain.

For instance, shortly after the “arrival” of our Elf (whom our girls affectionately named “Buddy”) we were shopping with the kids at a local Target store when we were stunned to see a massive end cap display with hundreds of “Buddy” the Elf look-a-likes.

Questions, Questions…I Want Answers!!!

Needless to say our girls were confused about the en masse identical array of their newly beloved “Buddy” in shrink-wrapped packaging. This dissonance sparked a blizzard of questions from them:

  • How can they breath in the plastic wrap, won’t they all suffocate?
  • Why do they all look EXACTLY like “Buddy”?
  • How can someone BUY an elf?
  • Are these just dolls that somebody made?
  • Does Santa know about this elfin chicanery?
  • Does Santa get an illegal kickback from the apparent copyright infringement of this elf’s likeness?
  • Do you think his elves are unionized and does Santa offer them profit sharing?
Our Lies Are Stickier Than a Slobbered Candy Cane

The wife and I quickly cobbled together a “lie on the fly,” attesting to the fact that Santa runs a 501(c)3 non-profit which doesn’t offer robust benefits to his volunteer employees.

We compounded this fib by boldly stating that it’s a well-know fact that “Buddy” happened to be the Justin Bieber of the North Pole Elf Corp which explains why there were so many cheap knock-offs to capitalize on his popularity.

Kim Jung Il to the Rescue

Which was further compounded by our assertion that the huge quantities of “Buddy” knock-offs can only be attributed to the godless work of  Communist-ex-dictator of North Korea, Kim Jung Il who is obviously exploiting our low tariff market in an attempt to flood our economy with these fake elf dolls, undermining the American way of life and seeking to cause Christmas chaos among kids.

Needless to say the wife and I experienced mutual “shock and awe” at the ease of our deceptive depravity that we directed toward the little people in the world we love the most.

Why Do You Do It?

This is just one example of your marketing malfeasance. Another is your subversive attempts at print advertising.

Specifically, the newspaper circulars that you choose to advertise in further erode the credibility of the Elf  – forcing us to lie again to our kids and attribute the Elf’s appearance in newsprint as nothing other than rampant paparazzi gone amok.

Apparently You Need Remedial Conspiracy Management

However, the last straw occurred with your decision to prominently include a giant four-story, helium version of the Elf on the Shelf balloon a few weeks ago in the 2012 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade [see photo insert].

A giant inflatable Elf? Really? Are you kidding?!?

I fully understand the idea of profit maximization and seizing seasonal revenue, but come on.

Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to develop new and convincing deceptions to assuage the honest questions from our beloved children, not to mention the irreparable damage we’re causing our kids by piling on lies upon lies upon lies?

This pathological pattern of lying makes me feel like the fictional character Walter White in the critically acclaimed series Breaking Bad.

Don’t you people know how to execute a bona fide conspiracy?

It makes me long for the good old days of Masonic secrecy, the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderburg Group.

When did seasonal corporate greed supplant clandestine global domination as the conspiracy du jour?

Regardless, please take better heed at designing your future marketing campaigns so we can dial back the duping of our kids.

Possibly, consider taking a page from the adult entertainment industry and cordon off some seedy section of your top revenue-generating markets to establish a red-light “Parents Only” district where loving moms and dads can acquire your beguiling, flimflammery Elf on the Shelf paraphernalia with a clear conscience!

At the very least, could you email us some talking points showcasing the very best lies you have available in support of the Elf on the Shelf blarney?

Kind Regards,

A Loving and Concerned Parent

Question: Have you ever lied to your kids or grand kids about a holiday tradition?

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Comments

  1. If I had Elf on the Shelf, I would just let the girls know what the game is. Daddy sets up the Elf in some hilarious situation each night. Done. They will have fun with that. But I’m one of those crazy people that doesn’t “do Santa”.

    But I don’t have Elf on the Shelf. But that doesn’t prevent me from making up fake Tweets about what he does (http://twitter.com/BryanMarkLogan)

  2. No, never. Honest. (snicker, snicker)

  3. Loved this!

  4. Did you know the Bilderburg group was just the tooth fairies way of paying for all those teeth? They need a fund so that the money received by children come off the interest, while the fund remains intact for future children. They buy all the teeth so that it won’t become a commodity where the kids could make more money on the black market than what the tooth fairy offers. True stuff. I think every elf on the shelf product or marketing ploy must come with it’s own lie that we use to explain to our children. If we are going to lie, let’s do it all together- in a unified and verifiable way. Also, while we are spending so much effort, why not actually build a Northpole with a Santa in it. Then use the Elves as cameras to spy on all our children. No wonder these kids grow up to believe in conspiracies. So why do we do this? Oh. Because Christmas is about giving, as God gave us his precious son Jesus. Jesus then gave us the gift of eternal forgiveness and life. When I look at it that way, an XBox or WiiU from a Santa seems pretty lame in comparison. Or we can play a game :two lies and the truth (Santa and Elf), and the Truth: Jesus.

  5. See- you should have stuck with something MUCH simpler. Tell your kids that Santa installed video cameras throughout the house and the car and the school. And, he randomly checks to make sure everything is as it should be.
    Of course, I have no personal knowledge of this tradition, so just consider this assistance from an outside meddler!

  6. Great read and thank you for sharing how you are keeping the conspiracy alive! I am so glad that I didn’t purchase one of these as I am not as good at lying as you!!!

  7. I need to learn to work in “elfin chicanery” into a conversation. Lucky for us, our kids had a real big issue with a fat guy sneaking into our house at night.

  8. Lying to my now 22 year old son? You mean Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real???

  9. Ricky Anderson says:

    I lie to my 1-year-old all the time. I tell him things like “When we cross the road, we look both ways, raise one hand in the air and say ‘Beep-Beep!'”

  10. Uncanny. We gave that very same explanation, almost verbatim, to our kids.haha I have often wondered that union/profit sharing question myself. Great stuff, Tor.

  11. HAHA!! Love it. Yes, we’ve lied to our kids about holiday traditions, but that is one of the joys of parenting. Right? :)

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