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Open Letter to the Apple iPhone5

“Leaked” iPhone5 image…courtesy of Apple

Dear Apple iPhone5,

A lot of people have been waiting for your arrival this week – which is fine but at the risk of upsetting the Applecart I have to ask….do we really need you Apple iPhone5?

Supposedly, you’re the greatest thing since sliced Apple bread – but based on Apple’s tendency for overblown marketing hyperbole I suspect that you haven’t actually fallen that far from your most recent Appletree product the iPhone4S.

Just so we’re clear “5″ (is it ok if I call you 5???), I’m no technology wonk and I’m not trying to pick a fight, I’m just trying to pick through the bushel of existing Apple iPhones that are already available.

With all due respect 5, you seem more like a placeholder product for Apple rather than a pace setter.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings 5, but here are five other “fives” that I think I prefer to you:

  1. Five Guys Burger and Fries – The greasy deliciousness of this burger chain’s grocery-bag-O-fries and addictively-flavored patties is unmatched in the constellation of speedy carnivore eateries.
  2. Maroon 5  -  While I’m not a fan per se, I do like their Moves Like Jagger track – the song has a funky “phat” backbeat that you can dance to (I think that’s how the kids these days would describe it).
  3. Five Alive Fruit Juice  – This delectable drink was a refreshing assemblage of citrus fruit juices from my childhood that could beat the snot out of Sunny D and Capri-Sun, and is currently only available in the U.K.
  4. Five Little Monkeys – This classic ditty of primate shenanigans, fractured skulls and broken box springs is a fond transcendent reminder of the risk-reward decisions of childhood bed-jumping gymnastics.
  5. Hawaii Five-0 (old school) – I’m of course referring to the original Five-o series from the 1970s and 80s with the well-coiffed Jack Lord as inspector Steve Garrett. The recent redux of Danno, Kono and Chin is fine but the original Five-o set an incredibly high bar within the police show genre. I mean guns, palm trees, pig roasts and surfing – what’s not to love!

Just to reiterate, while I’m sure you’re great and all that 5, I think we may have already seen Apple’s “secret sauce” before and your ballyhooed launch smacks more of plain old Applesauce.

It’s difficult to imagine you’re the best Apple, when you seem to merely be the shiniest Apple.


PC Guy

Question: What other types of “fives” need to be added to this list?

  • http://INeedHelpWithWordPress.com Paul B. Taubman, Ii

    So I am guessing that you are not going to be getting one anytime soon (read – on release date?)

    I thought I never needed an iPhone. I thought a phone was a phone. I held out a long time (my first iPhone was the 3 which was upgraded by Apple for a 3S).

    I cannot think of life without an iPhone (ok, probably not without some sort of SmartPhone).

    Well maybe I can imagine it – I will live without it, BUT, I don’t think I want to be without one :-)

    It is all about my wants!

    Be Well.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Thanks for commenting Paul – I’ve got an iPhone myself and think it’s great. My issue is with Apple’s constant, over-the-top marketing push that incremental updates = true innovation…

  • http://unknownjim.com/ Jim Woods

    So funny and clever. Loved it Tor!!!

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Appreciate it Jim!

  • http://www.kellycombs.com/ Kelly Combs

    HI-5! That up high (or down low) hand slap that lets me know we’re on the same team is always more encouraging than starring alone into the screen of your “5.”

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Hah, nice addition Kelly – thanks for playing along :-)

  • http://randomlychad.com Chad Jones

    Apple is great at introducing more of the same, and hyping it to the skies. It’s in their best (vested) interests to do so. “5″ is still an iPhone. First was revolutionary, each one since has been incrementally evolutionary. It keeps Tim Cooking the donuts, and Phil Schillering them.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      “…Apple is great at introducing more of the same…” – I think that geniusly sums up my point. Thanks CJ!

      • http://randomlychad.com Chad Jones

        Thanks, Tor!

        I kinda liked my pun–Tim Cook is Apple’s CEO, & Phil Schiller is their VP Of worldwide marketing.

  • http://twitter.com/chaseman777 Chase Manning

    5-Dollar Footlongs, or at least the catchy song with the different characters measuring a foot with their hands. But Subway is like Apple – they get you with tricky marketing. The 5-Dollar Footlong turns into $7.49 when you add chips and a drink, because they know no one can eat their oh so delectable subs without a drink that compliments the sub better than anything Olive Garden or Red Lobstercould ever suggest.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Fantastic comment Chase – I wish I could hand out trophies or something!

  • http://jonstolpe.com/ Jon Stolpe

    Fab 5 – (Michigan Wolvorines)
    5 Alive – Fruit Beverage
    5 – Donovan McNabb
    Cinco de Mayo – 5th of May

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Cinco de Mayo is genius – how did I forget that one! Awesome Jon!

  • The Good Greatsby

    I try and resist the urge to trade in a perfectly good model for something only 5% better. My wife is grateful I have this outlook.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      G2, always good to see you stop by – I think you’re being generous with the iPhone5 being incrementally 5% better than the iPhone4S

  • http://somewiseguy.com/ ThatGuyKC


  • http://www.tammyhelfrich.com/ Tammy Helfrich

    I agree. I love my iPhone, but have not been an Apple must-have-er. Thanks for the laugh.