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My Failed Facebook Marriage….

Facebook ended my marriage (sort of)....

You probably didn’t know this about me, but I’m a sensitive soul….a petite, genteel flower if you will.

I drink Celestial Seasonings sleepy-time chamomile tea as a pick-me-up.

All of my under garments must be made out of crushed velvet and infused with Downey fabric softener and other anti-chafing agents.

Even my toothbrush bristles are made from 100% baby rabbit fur.

Suffice to say that I have a delicate constitution.

That’s why it’s so difficult for me to (sob) write this post about my failed Facebook marriage.

As background, my lovely wife and I have know each other for nearly 22 years, and we’ve been happily married for more than 16 of those years. But that all changed on Wednesday, December 28th 2011.

In November of last year, I wrote a book that became an Amazon bestseller and I subsequently started working with an online marketing company to help keep that early momentum going. The account team suggested several excellent ideas to help spur the success of the book along.

One of their suggestions was to set up a Facebook “like” page, which is also called a “fan” page. Their thinking was that a “like” page allows for greater flexibility regarding book promotion options, page customization and an unlimited number of people who can “like” the revamped page. That sounded good to me.

Please understand, that up until the fateful day of December 28th, I already had a respectable forum of Facebook friends numbering close to 1,400. Nevertheless, I decided to follow the advice I was paying for and converted my personal Facebook page to a new-fangled “like” page.

Unbeknown to me at that time, all of those friends of mine were converted to “likes” and were no longer “friends.” I couldn’t see anyone’s timelines, status updates, news feeds, photos…etc and I was also booted out of several writing groups I had joined (grrrrr).

Additionally, because my “friend” catalog was erased, I was unable to send private messages to my brother and sisters – which was a colossal pain in the backside because I use Facebook as the primary means of communicating with them since they live two states away. Screw unlimited minutes and texting, Facebook is free!

Even though my converted “like” page for “Tor Constantino, writer” has been getting hundreds of new “likes” each day since the conversion – I missed the community of my Facebook friends.

So, yesterday I decided to set up a new personal page under my full name “Salvatore Constantino.” Once my new personal page was set up, I was able to start searching for friends and family to invite them to my new and improved Facebook site – keep in mind  my “Tor Constantino” page is still fully functioning.

Ironically, a problem popped up regarding my Facebook relationship with my wife.  While she quickly friended my dashing and exotic “Salvatore Constantino” persona (and let’s be honest people who wouldn’t, I mean my full name would beat the snot out of Antonio Banderas name in a bar fight – it’s loaded with consonants and vowels)  it was up to me to establish our relationship as “married” – for the non sequitur record that was the 14th time in this ridiculous post that I’ve used “quotes.”

After my wife friended me as “Salvatore Constantino” I went to update my profile and when I clicked the relationship status button to confirm that I was married to Kim Constantino – I got a big red “X” that stated “…Kim Constantino is currently in a relationship…” with some jerkweed named Tor Constantino.

I was crest-fallen, heart-broken and chest-sunken all at the same time. How could she do that to me? After all we’ve been through, with a baby on the way – how could she cheat on  me with me? I was at a loss.

I mean, what did my other two-dimensional doppleganger  have that I didn’t have?

Nothing.

So, how could she choose to be with me instead of me???  It was vexing to say the least.

When I got home from work I confronted her with this relationship dilemma and forced her to choose – it was either me or me. Period.

She didn’t take my angst seriously and laughed in my facebook…er, um….I mean, she laughed in my face. Regardless, I pressed the point and broke her will. She agreed to divorce the “Tor Constantino” me and only “like” him, while agreeing to a mutual marriage update for her profile with the much more cosmopolitan “Salvatore Constantino” me.  Smart choice.

Shortly, thereafter I received a friend request notification from the good folks at Facebook stating that I needed to “…confirm a relationship request for marriage from Kim Constantino...” I wondered if this was a formal proposal? Would there be a dinner, candles and ring? Might there be a dowry involved? Again, these were burning questions that needed answers.

Despite that uncertainty, I seized the opportunity and swung into action like a swashbuckling buccaneer and made the damsel mine – that’s how I role (just so long as I’m wearing thick, yet supple calfskin leather gloves to avoid rope burn from all that swinging around stuff).

Needless to say, I have successfully secured the affections of one Kim Constantino – despite Facebook’s best efforts to keep us apart.

After re-reading this post, I think our story would make an awesome Harlequin Romance novel – it has intrigue, mistaken identity, conflict, passion, hyperbole, a paper-thin plot all based around an absurd love triangle. On second thought, maybe I’ll just wait for the Lifetime movie version instead and perhaps Antonio Banderas can play the role of Salvatore Constantino.

Question: If this was a trashy dime-store, romance novel what would you name it?Also, how many times did I use “quotes” in this post?

 

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Comments

  1. Ricky Anderson says:

    Now that was funny.

    42 quote usages.

  2. What a fun read. I’m sure someone out there is working on a graduate thesis in sociology analyzing social media relationships. I didn’t count the quotes, but imagined you making “air quotes” with your fingers each time you typed them.

    • TorConstantino says:

      Hah! As a red-blooded Italian I tend to gesticulate and talk with my hands – air quotes are definitely part of my non-verbal “repertoire.” Thanks for the comment, Nancy!

  3. Schiantei says:

    Hahahahaha. :D

  4. Amanda Sachs says:

    This was by far the best post of 2012 ;)

    Very funny! I’m glad I made the new friend cut!

  5. Yshekster says:

    Like.

  6. Great post! :)

    • TorConstantino says:

      Thanks Jo, you’re very kind! Also, thanks for the RT on Twitter. BTW, I saw that you’re currently based in France – my wife was a French teacher who lived there for eight months as a senior in college. I was able to visit her and spend the last two weeks with her visiting Lyons, Paris and Annecy – it’s a wonderful country!

  7. I have to say, the way you reconciled your marriage at the end really tugged on the ol’ heartstrings. True love always triumphs. But I also like that you allowed her to remain friends with the old flame, that takes a certain intestinal fortitude and security in your manhood to pull off successfully. Bravo.

    • TorConstantino says:

      I take the “intestinal fortitude” comment as the highest form of praise… especially from someone with the moniker “Gutmeister.” Thanks for stopping by!

  8. You are definitely a talented writer!! Not only did you give me some VERY good information about a new “feature” in facebook that I’m glad I didn’t use; but you gave me a serious laugh first thing in the morning.. I’m so happy to hear that you and your wife were able to get reconnected.. :)

  9. Is it “that’s how I role” or “that’s how I roll?” haha, congrats on being a best selling author!

    • TorConstantino says:

      Nice catch Victoria – I was so preoccupied with my overuse of quotes that I let a typo slip through! I hope all is well with you and the family!

      • You too! So happy for you and Kim, we are doing well over here enjoying 80 degree weather! I have no idea how you write whole books, I struggle with my ten page papers for school! :)

  10. I understand you can find many family lawyers on Facebook, too. Maybe they can arrange a virtual divorce and subsequent marriage to meet the social media criteria!

    • TorConstantino says:

      Genius Roy! I knew you would be the voice of reason in this social media melee ;-) I hope you’re having a wonderful New Year my friend!

  11. Oh Tor. Tor, Tor, Tor….you make me laugh. Not a clue what you’d name this new romance, but it’d be great to read or watch. Hillarious….Oh, and I stopped counting your “quotes” at around 25 of ‘em…Hey, thanks for the laughs…and for shedding light on how the “fan” pages work. Have a fantastic day!

  12. Robert Mullins says:

    Hey! Your twitter thingy down on the right side wher it says “Follow TOR … ” goes to someone else? Funny story BTW!

    • …follow Brian too!? Maybe there’s a secret hidden identity he’s left out. Ohhhh the plot thickens.

      • TorConstantino says:

        @Robert, hmmm….I’ll have to check with my web guy to see if he can fix that thanks!
        @Laura, that’s pretty funny – I hadn’t thought about expanding my pseudonyms into the Twitter arena!

  13. Tor,
    I have but one burning question – was there a dowry involved?? Bill still laments over the fact that he feels he was misled – no dowry attached to this wife! Great blog, great story. Sure glad you and Kim are back together again!

    • TorConstantino says:

      Hah! There was no dowry at all – not even a free coupon for a small order of fries at McDonald’s….

  14. I think I would name it “Tor-tured – A Story About Choices, A Story About Love.”

  15. “Slummin’ it with Salvatore.” or “Fakebook Fantasy.” or “Marketing Amour Tor.”

    Oh, and I just used a few extra “quotes.”

    Feels weird putting the word ‘quotes’ in “quotes.”

  16. Genius, Tor!

    I’ll go you one better: my wife & I had shared profile–which I created. She kicked me off of it, and then was mock-upset when I forgot to “Facebook marry” her.

    But I’ve had my revenge: every time she comments upon her status, it says “Lisa has commented on his status”–because it was originally my profile.

  17. taslimjaffer says:

    I would name this romance “The Many Faces of Constantino”. Super witty post! Would love to know if a sequel is in the works :)

    • TorConstantino says:

      That’s awesome – let’s hope there’s NOT a sequel because that would mean Facebook screwed me up again ;-) Thanks for taking the time to read my nonsense!

  18. Fun post! I like Bonnie’s title suggestion. “Tor-tured” LOL

    Congrats on the Amazon bestseller.

  19. Clearly you should name it “Tor-id” due to your name, your I.D., and your psychoanalytic id.

    • TorConstantino says:

      Brilliant!!! I yield to your comedic supremacy….glad you stopped by Rebekah!

      • Had to stop by because Mom keeps telling me how awesome your writting is and then I saw this when G. Bruce commented on your link on facebook. :-) My family loves you just a bit. lol

  20. Congratulations! This is sure to appear as a top ten post for 2012. I’d share it, but I’m supposed to be the funny blogger, and I’d hate to lose fans……

  21. Gypsy - Kimberly says:

    OMG this is too funny! Thank you for the laugh! I’m kind of prone to something with “Salvatore” as our new baby’s middle name is Salvatore :-) I had to use quotes, you know LOL

  22. The Facebook Faux Pas-How one woman married the same man twice and Mark Zuckerburg was none the wiser.

    Good post. Congrats on the book. I hope it keeps going well.

    I was afraid of converting so I made a separate fan page to start with, lucky me. I would keep this one tucked away. You never know when a movie deal might be around the corner.

  23. “Tor Apart” or “Facebook to Facebook”

  24. This is hilarious Tor! I like doppleganger…I think I will use that one on someone this week. :)

  25. I think this is one of the funniest things I have read! If I wasn’t sitting in a coffee shop I’d have been actually laughing out loud as I read it.

  26. threestrands says:

    I enjoyed this post, sir! You are such a brilliant writer!

  27. soyphet kompradith says:

    Haha, that was an excellent post! I would totally take “Salvatore Constantino” over “Tor Constantino” and Antonio Banderas any day!

  28. stephengoode says:

    Well you could go with a name like “Faced-Off”, “Faced to Like my Love”, “Lost in Face”, “The De-Facing of Tor”. Just some ideas.

  29. You are hilarious. Found you through Michael Hyatt’s site and thoroughly enjoyed this. I think the title of this post would be the perfect title

    And just as an FYI, you will never get me to call you Tor after this. From this day forward, it’s Salvatore or “that guy” haha

  30. Great tale and the single best use of the word “jerkweed” I’ve ever seen.

  31. Very funny. If it’s not on facebook, then it doesn’t exist! I couldn’t help but notice all of your tabs are “f- words”. All of my loves are “f – words” too :)

  32. Bravo, sir.

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