But both of those fears combined into a queasy ache in my stomach yesterday as I walked into the local WeightWatchers office where I lost 35 lbs. – TWICE over the past three years.
Needless to say, I re-gained most of that lost weight because I got lazy with the program – thinking I had “arrived” – not needing the support of others or the program itself anymore, thinking I could do it on my own.
That was not the case.
I missed a string of meetings and fell back into old eating patterns and started adding pounds back.
And when I had difficulty buttoning my pants, I stepped on our scale at home and was stunned by my “silent” 20 pound gain. I couldn’t believe that I fell again. I felt that I had fallen too far and there was no way for me to go back to WW and face those same people who helped and cheered my success. I had failed, and I was certain I would disappoint.
During the ensuing months I managed to gain an additional 15 pounds – I didn’t intend to do it, but I didn’t fight it either which allowed my unintentional habits to dictate the circumference of my waistline.
The issues with my weight jumped to the fore when both my parents died from cardiovascular disease in their early 60s. With a baby on the way and two preteen girls, I need to ensure that I’m doing all I can to be around for as long as I can.
Regardless, I knew I had to do something. I’ve tried all of the other weight control programs before and the only one that allowed me to lose and keep it off (when I followed it) was WeightWatchers.
As crazy as it sounds, my pride and fear were the burdens that were weighing me down the most – keeping me from the help I needed.
It was surreal how nervous I was going to that weigh-in and meeting yesterday.
Public speaking is usually the number one fear that most people have – even more than the fear of death. Talking doesn’t bother me. When I was a reporter I’d verbally mixed it up live on-air with hostile interviews, and from time-to-time I’ve also been on the other side of those difficult interviews as a corporate spokesman.
By comparison, those public speaking “fears” were nothing compared to the anxiety I felt as I opened the door to the rented offices of the local WeightWatchers office. My fear of failure and of disappointing others were very real to me.
While my failure was physically real in the extra pounds on my face, neck and gut – not to mention my cholesterol levels and lipid ratios – I was stunned that when I walked through those doors, the actual manifestation of disappointment never materialized.
Rather, I was met with open arms, understanding, caring and kindness. I was met by a sense of, “We’ve been where you are and we welcome you just the way you are.”
I was humbled and awed.
There’s more to share in the coming weeks, and I suspect that the real “fat” I need to lose is largely between my ears – I’m hopeful that my body will follow. I can say with certainty that being accepted back despite my failure and fears is encouragement enough to help me try again.
Question: Have you ever experienced a similar up-and-down pattern in your life?