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Babies Scare Me – a Guest Post

Photo Caption: Creative Commons – Capture Queen

Babies scare me. I don’t hold other people’s offspring.

Up until a year ago I’d never changed a diaper, been puked on, or walked into see a 12-month old pulling the poo out of their diaper. Trust me any of those incidents are scare worthy.

What changed? My wife and I had twins a little over 1 year ago. Now for some reason my kids help me experience the above gag nastiness and scare-filled episodes when my wife is nowhere to be found. Case in point…

The Diaper Debacle

My twins were born one month early. My daughter was 3.11 lbs and my son was 7.2 lbs. They spent their first night in something that looked like an incubator. On their second day of life I was giving friends a tour of my kids and the nurse asked me to stick around. She asks me if I’d like to take my kid’s temperature. I interrogated her to make sure that I didn’t have to stick a thermometer in their hind parts. She says that I can take their temp under their armpit. Seems harmless, so I say yes.

That lady punk’d me.

Next thing I know she’s handing me a diaper and telling me that before I can take their temps I have to change their diaper. I tell her that I’ve never done it and she looks at me as if to say, “dude you just had twins so get ready be thrown into the deep end and start swimming.”

That’s scary I don’t care who you are.

I changed my first and second diaper with my kids in incubators. It wasn’t easy. My wife was up stairs in her hospital bed. When I saw her after this incident she knew that I had just become a man. I grew up fast that day.

Dynamic Power Puke

A few weeks ago I was getting my kids ready for bed. I had survived a fun filled day of playing, shopping, and free samples at Costco. My daughter was changed and it was my son’s turn. For some reason he started coughing. He started coughing violently while on the changing table. I bent over to pick him up right as he power pukes dinner all over the changing table.

It smelt gag nasty.

I picked him up only to redirect his next puke into his lap. I’m standing there with a mountain of puke all over my son and I don’t have a fat clue what to do. I lay him down on the only corner of the changing table that isn’t smothered in puke only to watch him snuggle his face into his own puke.

I pick him up, get puke all over me, pick my daughter up by her pj’s like you’d pick up a cat, put her in her crib, ran to the bathtub and washed my son to the best of my ability. When my wife came home she didn’t have to ask how my night was. She could tell by the look on my face that I had lived out a sitcom or maybe a scare-filled movie.

Poo as Play-Doh

The other day I went to wake my kids up from their nap. We were headed out to a wedding and we had to get them up. I was wearing a nice dress shirt and a tie. I walked in to see my daughter reach out to me. It was really sweet…until I saw that her hand left a brown print on my arm. What in the wide world of sports could this be?

I looked down to see that she had not only poo’d herself, but she decided to pull the poo out and play with it. Can you say scary? I tried to clean it up but it was like cleaning up a duck in an oil spill. I was getting it all over me. It was brutal. I finally yelled for me wife to come tag in. When she came in the room she could tell that I once again had had a daddy adventure.

Love Beyond the Scare

Now what do all these stories have in common? They are all moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You see for six years we weren’t able to have kids. We prayed and waited.

Now that we have kids I never want to complain about anything that they bring to the table. I’ll take moments of poop and puke every day if it means that I have my kids. I love my life. I love my wife. I love my kids.

Question: What kid adventures have you had?

EdiTOR’s Note: Our family recently delivered our third child. As such, some blogging buddies of mine have graciously offered to write a series of guest posts to allow my family to spend a little time together – away from this blog. I’m deeply grateful for such friends, and I hope you enjoy their writing!

Today’s guest post comes from Rob Shepard who writes regularly at robshep.com – random thoughts from a transparent pastor. The stated goal for his blog is to make readers think and laugh – or to thaugh if you will. He has several recurring features on his site including: Mind Dumps, movie reviews and thoughts about God. Be sure to check it out!

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Comments

  1. You know that phrase, “I’m laughing with you, not at you.” About sums it up! My husband’s favorite story is when he was in a different room and was listening to me in the bathroom with our son who was potty training several years ago. Here’s the conversation:

    Yay!! Good job, Sean. You pooped in the potty!!

    pause

    “No, don’t TOUCH it!

    Great post, Rob!

  2. I’m learning that whenever something horrendous like projectile puke hits me, I can at least get a great blog post out of it. Blog fodder. Kids are fabulous blog fodder!

  3. Big Bobby P says:

    Love your post Rob and so glad you have kids now you are a awesome father and pastor! Can’t wait to come back to next level!

  4. Laura Spiers says:

    Yeah, there’s lots of poop and puke those first few years, but that calms down until scarier stuff hits: Tweens and teens ( insert horror movie scream here )! But who else can know you that way as your parents do? It’s awesome. And it’s like God…always cleaning up His children’s messes and not complaining.

  5. Parenthood is the greatest thrill ride in the world. And believe it or not these will not be the scariest times, those will come later. You are just getting a crash course right now.

  6. Ron and Tor,
    I was changing my son once. I noticed he began to pucker, and not for a kiss. I ducked in time as he sprayed the wall with some gag nastiness. Ah, good times.

  7. And Rob, I know your name is not Ron.

  8. HIL-AR-IOUS!!! Mainly because I can relate! haha. We have an 11, 6, and 2 yr-old. I have had many poo and pee episodes, but never had a puke episode until 2 days ago.

    My wife was gone and our 2 year old began to gag…on spinach salad and italian dressing. I had seen that b4 so I knew what was coming…and I knew I had to catch it to prevent an even bigger mess and debacle…so I proceed to catch all of the slimy, green, wet leafy mess in the cups of my hand…and hold it while my 11-yr old goes to Wal-mart, Target, and Bed Bath and Beyond to get a towel to clean it up (it took her FORever!). The worst part is I had to eat my dinner after that! Amazingly I was able to.

    I told my wife about it when she got home, and her 1st question…”are you alright???” The love of your child surpasses all!!

    Thanks for this post! :)

  9. I’ve never trusted babies. Any creature that will use the bathroom on you after you fed it a days worth of moosh is just not right.

    :) Awesome post, Rob!

    And congrats on the third kid, Tor!

  10. Rob, I can very much relate. It took my husband 5 yrs to have kids and our first were boy girl twins. They were born 3months and 3 weeks early. We had many adventures from the NICU til life today. I can tell you that the best part is that things that will change, but as they get older you get new scaretastics that will fill you mind with fright. Have fun, enjoy your little ones. There is nothing like twins. Great post by the way. =D

    • Thank you so much Genevieve. So you have had more kids since the twins? The twins might be enough to scare me off from having more. I think we will adopt, but it will be kids who know how to use the bathroom.

  11. My hubbie stayed home with our 3 girls from the time they were born until the oldest was 11 (she is now 15). He is the king of baby stories. Wish I had started a blog for him way back then!!! I promise the pooping, puking thing does get better!

    • Thanks Ronda! That brings me hope. If your husband has a good memory he could start that blog now. I’m sure he has some great material that would help out guys like me.

  12. Thanks for sharing your poo-tiful experiences!

  13. Mullenann4 says:

    And remember Rob, your wife gets these things on a regular basis. I was such a wife, even though I only had one kid at a time. Wait until you lift a little one over your head to make them laugh and they barf into your mouth. Now that’s gross. Good thing I was outside and could spit into the bushes.

  14. I’ve got so much to look forward to when/if we have kiddos!

    Thanks for giving me the heads up.

  15. Great post! I’ve been laughing out loud. I especially like the way you talk about whatever your kids bring to the table in the same sentence as poop and puke. Yep, you’re a big boy now!

  16. Ricky Anderson says:

    Bodily messes make great blog fodder. Also, you are a great Fodder.

  17. Scott2buck says:

    You captured it Rob. My kids are ages 25 and 22 and those days are still all too vivid memories (especially the poop).

  18. Ebuzzell139 says:

    Great post! Had me literally guffawing while reading it. :D

  19. So funny! I totally relate to all of these things. Although my twin girls used their poop to decorate their room – 6 times! A few tips we’ve picked up about twins (and babies in general) 1) Vicks under the nose overpowers any yucky smell. 2) Duct tape around the diaper keeps them from taking it off (most of the time) and 3) if they share a room as toddlers, use bed-sized tents and lock the zippers (I’m not kidding) to keep them from biting each other. Best of luck!

  20. Animania freak says:

    OMG I almost died laughing! This sounds like my dad, he always tell us how he never knew the destructive force kids can be until he had us! LOL

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