Here’s a satirical guest post I wrote for a friend of my Nick Seders who has a highly-entertaining, faith-based blog titled All Nicked Up.
Here’s an excerpt from my guest post titled 3 People You Don’t Want to Sit Behind in Church:
I love going to church.
Some people find it boring – but not me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always enjoyed the music, the message, and meeting with a diverse range of people every week.
The coolest part of church is that everyone is welcome.
However, while everyone is welcome, you must certainly exercise a bit of wisdom when deciding whom you sit near during the hour-long service.
In the spirit of maintaining Christian unity, here are three generalized groups of people you may want to steer clear of when you’re picking your pew.
The Snorer – It’s unclear whether this individual suffers from apnea, low serotonin levels, or narcolepsy, but you can bet your bottom dollar for tithing that this guy will be sawing Z’s early during the sermon louder than a Husqvarna XP chain saw.
You’ll want to sit as far from this sleepy saint as possible to avoid the whipping heads and stoning glances from the judgmental churchgoers, who want to hear the sermon titled “Living a Life of Non-Judgment” in complete silence.
While the scriptures do say that the “…Lord gives sleep to His beloved…” it’s not clear that the gift of slumber was intended during communion. So to avoid this situation, you can spot the telltale sign of a potential Rip Van Winkle in your midst via the inflatable neck roll pillow or a threadbare woobie that’s doubling as an ascot…..