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12 Phrases Dads Do Not Want to Hear….

Photo Credit - Creative Commons: Striatic

As a parent of two kids – plus another expected addition within the next few weeks – there are some things I love to hear my daughters say.

Such as, “You’re the greatest dad ever” or “I love you to the moon and back” or “I’m not going to date until I’m 35 years old!!!

That’s music to my ears.

However, there are some phrases that I dread to hear coming from the mouths of my children. While I haven’t heard all of these yet – my two daughters are only preteens after all – I expect to hear a few of them in the near future.  But I hope not:

  • “Dad, I really like this Swedish death metal band called GoryTopia – they rock!”
  • “I’m not sure which end of the cat it came out of, but there is a mess on your leather chair in the basement.”
  • “Why can’t I get an iPhone 4S? I’m already 1o years old!”
  • “So, the big screen TV in the basement is now a bunch of little teeny-tiny ‘screens’ on the floor.”
  • “Daddy I’m so stoked! I won a contest to tour with the Swedish death metal band GoryTopia here in the US. I can meet up with them in Austin – isn’t that great!”
  • “Come on, it’s not really a piercing if it’s functional! Look, I can sip a straw through it without opening my mouth while also attaching several of your fly-fishing lures at the same time.”
  • “You’re so controlling! Why can’t I have my senior picture taken with a 12-inch, spiked pink-and-green mohawk???”
  • “Ok, I’ve got some good news, some bad news, some really bad news – and some apocalyptic-caliber bad news.”
  • “Why can’t I go on a date with a boy? I’m already 13 years old!”
  • “I’ve decided that I want to skip my full-ride scholarship to Dartmouth and join a traveling carnival. The freedom of the open road beckons me.”
  • “Please can we keep this full-grown pit bull that was wandering the neighborhood? I’m sure he’s house broken.”
  • “Daddy, in Sweden you can get married at 16 and Alberik “Snark” Esbjorn – the lead singer of GoryTopia just proposed to me via Twitter – isn’t that romantic???”

Question: Are there any others that I may have missed that should be added?

  • http://shipboundfortarshish.wordpress.com/ Bonnie Anderson

    I’m concerned about the whole “GoryTopia” thing. Maybe it just hasn’t raised its ugly head down here in Florida. I would google it, but I’m too afraid.

    • http://wirequeen.com/ Michelle

      Thank you I needed to laugh today My daughters are 14 and 24 this year. Younger here, the elder lives out of state. I can relate.

      • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

        I intend to post a series of “Future Conversations” with my daughters and may need to send them to you in advance for a pre-read for accuracy ;-)

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      I think we should all fear the fact that I came up with that band name at 6am this morning – that troubles me…..

  • http://www.ramblingbarba.com Ken Hagerman

    I met this guy at 7-11 whose dad does tattooing in a metal shed behind their house and…

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Awesome Ken!!!

      • http://twitter.com/croyseniles Christine Niles

        “My boyfriend borrowed his friend’s tattoo gun…..”

  • Debi

    How about, Dad can I have the car tonight? There’s this guy who has always wanted a car like yours. I told him you wouldn’t mind.

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Hah, that’s genius Debi (in a troubling kind of way)….

  • Lisa

    So many more you don’t want to know.

  • VAFlash

    Oh, you are so in for it! We used to call my daughter (who is now an adult) the “Loophole Queen.” Whatever rule we had, she found a loophole. For instance, she was going on a whitewater rafting trip with a friend at 16, and we said, “No bungie jumping.” After the trip, she posted a picture of herself on Facebook taking a dive off a rock attached to a bungie. Her denial that she broke the rule went like this: “But Mom, it wasn’t bungie jumping because I was in a harness, not an ankle strap.” Thankfully, she wasn’t ever into any hardcore rebellious stuff because I’m so sure she could find a loophole in anything!

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Yikes! I was half kidding – but you’ve lived it! I’ll get your number and put it on speed dial as part of my therapy….

  • HelenBogun

    don.t worry to much Tor.
    it will all be fine in the end, but different as we have expected!
    btw. what.s wrong with dating before 35?
    if you want grandchildren ;D …

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Thanks for the encouragement Helen – and I suppose you’re right about dating. I guess I’m ok with them going out unsupervised when they’re in their late 20′s….

  • http://www.jennyschallenge.com/ Jenny

    LOL–I only have boys, but can still totally relate. I’m having a cow b/c we’re putting my 12 year old back in regular public school next year…

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      oh my, that sounds like an adventure….

  • Esther Buzzell

    I googled GoryTopia to see if it was made up or if it was a real and much to be dreaded band. Ironically, a link to your article was the first search result. :)

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Thanks EB! I don’t mean to spoil the surprise but I came up with the band name GoryTopia when I woke up this morning.

      However, I do need to find out if there’s such a thing as Gory Topiary – you know zombies and dismembered body parts crafted out of neatly trimmed shrubbery and botanic bushes?!?


      • http://JonDHarrison.com/ Jonathan Harrison

        Still funny, 1 year later…

  • http://rednarnartworks.com/ Suerae Stein

    Love it! How about… “We’re thinking of naming the baby Bjorn Esbjorn… isn’t that so cool? It rhymes!” Very funny. The one phrase that I always hear is “I’ll be there in a minute”, which never ever happens in a minute. A great post!

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Genius! I like how you think Suerae!!!

  • http://twitter.com/croyseniles Christine Niles

    Daughter: “Dad, I want to hang out with ‘John.’”
    Dad: “He is welcome to come over here and meet us and hang out.”
    Daughter: “Well, that’s not really possible. I need to go to his house.”
    Dad: “Explain.”
    Daughter: “Well, he just got out of jail and he can’t leave his house. But he’s a good guy. He just kind of has a problem with weed and drinking and things. But he’s changed now. So can I date him? Everyone deserves a second chance.”

    • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

      Now that’s laugh-out-loud funny! I trust this is not a conversation you had with your dad?

      • http://twitter.com/croyseniles Christine Niles

        Nope…a little more recent than that. Like two weeks ago recent. :-)

  • http://ideagirlmedia.com/ Keri at Idea Girl Media


    My daughter just graduated from high school this past weekend. My husband has uttered similar words.

    I wish you luck with preparations and birth-day of your newest family member.

    If I might offer just one bit of insight: The more I liked and embraced my daughter’s ideas, the more she was attracted toward the “wise” choices. Also, we kept her busy with “good” activities, so she did not have time to get involved with the “gory” things in life.

    If you have any ideas on how best to get a kid through college, I’m wide open at the ears!

    Good luck and Godpseed,


  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Genevieve-Horrall/1591472607 Genevieve Horrall

    These are awesome. I have an 8 year old daughter, who at 5 announced to her father and I that she just “looooooved” boys. By the way, I love the GoryTopia. That is awesome. =D

  • http://www.adjuvancy.com/wordpress Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.

    We want a revisit in 3 years – to see if at least three of them have so appeared…

  • http://bit.ly/hWr7Cw Rob T

    haha, nice list. “Dad, but you should see the other car!”

  • http://somewiseguy.com/ ThatGuyKC

    “Dad… everyone is fine, but…”

  • http://warrencbennett.wordpress.com/ Warren C. Bennett

    “Dad, I Told my brother he was adopted. He now understands life a bit more clearly and is packing to go see his real parents.”

  • Suzanne

    How about this one . . . “Mom! I got voted best hair!” Yes, I actually heard that one!

  • Barbara B

    In high school, my daughter decided she would do everything she had ever heard about, seen in movies, etc. that kids do that they don’t tell their parents about. Thankfully she survived and at 21 is a great young woman. I, however, am in therapy.